Archive for August, 2013

Breathe Again08.28.13

Fall semester just started on Monday. I don’t know where my two and a half weeks of break went. I had all these grand plans for it, and then it was over.

I did pick up all sorts of new PADI scuba diving certification though. I got my drysuit certification, got advance certification, and will be picking up my deep dive certification in another dive.

But I don’t want to talk about diving.

I want to talk about my ONE four hours final. I studied my ass off for that but I did take a day off to goof around. I thought I knew the materials very very well, better than well. Then the final  day happened and the four hours felt like a very short blur. I came away from that feeling like I failed it miserably. Like I probably got a “C” and I regretted taking that one day off.

One of my study buddy walked out of the final saying, “Somebody better get me a lawyer because I killed it.” He was trying to get us to stop being so serious when it was time to celebrate. Then he told me, out of everyone I seem to know my material the best, so I really shouldn’t worry, but ugh…it really was such a quick haze, I was feeling a little ill.

Around 13 of us gathered that night to get completely shitfaced. I wanted to be full of hangover and regrets the next day and it actually felt good the next day to be hungover.

Throughout my break, whenever I typed in my student login code to check if grades were out, I felt like I was about to get kicked in the gut. I braced myself. I’ve been bracing myself since I walked out of my final 22 days ago.

Then yesterday in class, we got an email saying grades were released. One of my dear classmate, logged on and shouted to us that she got an “A”. Now we were warned multiple times that we should never discuss grades because it’s bad etiquette. And now I know why. Because for a moment it made me feel angry at her, there goes one of the limited “A’s” the instructor got to hand out.

That made me feel really shitty about myself, because I’ve prided myself in not getting competitive. This gal sat next to me last semester. I’ve always tried to answer any questions she had, and I’ve even sent her pages and pages of my notes when I thought it would help her. I did the same for many of my classmates. I wanted everyone to do well. This is why we are discouraged from talking about grades.

I waited till I got home and for Drew to leave the room before I logged on and clicked on the link. And somehow, I saw an “A”. I logged out and back in, just in case something went wrong. Then I had Drew come look at it for me. Like was that an “A” grade or A for Asshole? After he confirmed the grade, I started jumping around the room like an idiot. This is why we were warned against checking our grades in front of classmates, because it’s quite possible that A is for Assholes when you jump around like a classless asshat with unadulterated joy.

Somewhere in that jump, I felt like my lungs were expanding and contracting normally again and that I stopped bracing for the pain to come down. First time in three weeks.

Every new professor has warned us again taking our grades so seriously because it should not define us. I know this. But it’s so hard to not label ourselves with our grades. We as first years know our grades will determine if we get certain internship or clerkship. My grade determines if I will continue to receive whatever scholarship my school gave me.

Breathe.

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Where Did It Go?08.02.13

And summer semester is over. I don’t know how in week 3 it feels like each week was soooo long because we crammed so much stuff in our brains but then we blinked and it’s gone.

The last couple days were emotionally charged, people were snippy, more girls cried, and everyone could use more sleep.

I feel like I figured out a good study pattern for myself a little too late. Everything fell in place around mid-week of Week 6. And I became the stellar participating student only for the last week and a half. Prior to that, I was always wondering what the fuck was going on and how did everyone else have the answers that I don’t, and I would spend some six to eight hours briefing each night.

Briefing. Wow. There is nothing more soul crushing than spending a couple hours to brief for a case that the professor glossed over for a few minutes and I now know is not even going to be covered on the test anyhow.

Four days until finals. I have sitting before me, cupcakes because I deserve them. I live half a block away from this fancy cupcake shoppe (I’m calling it “shoppe” because it’s that fancy) and I’ve been resisting the sweet beckoning all summer because I have not been exercising enough since school started. Now that it’s the home stretch, I’m saving my allotted bank of willpower for studying.

Last week, I sat down on my couch and thought, wow, this couch is nice. When was the last time I sat on this couch? And I honestly could not remember. Three weeks ago maybe? Law school.

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