Archive for the ‘Personal’

Hey All09.05.13

Don’t go out with your friends and have a drink on a week night during law school, and by a drink, I mean a bottle of wine. EACH. Plus extra drinks because why not. Because you will get home and you see some old Gardetto’s that you see on the desk because there were too many club recruiting events bribing you with snacks and that old Gardetto’s will suddenly be DEEEEE-LICIOUS.

Also, “if” after the first week is Labor Day so you get three days off, use it to study wisely instead of spending only one solid day to study, because that’s not good enough. You will be on the treadmill all week after. Then come Thursday one drink = one bottle = necessity. Stay with me here.

Law school is many things. Fun is one of them. But staying a little ahead-ish is good too. Or so I hear.

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Week 5 + 2 days07.23.13

In another week and a half, the summer quarter is over. My first law school quarter is nearing the end. How is it going?

Well, somewhere around week 4, the work started really piling up along with all the info that I only partly know. So I’ll say somewhere around 4/7th of the way through the quarter was when shit starting hitting the fan. Up until end of week four, I was still filled with overwhelming positive thoughts of how joyful and delightful life was and how fortunate I was to get into law school.

Yesterday was the first day I turned to my classmate, and said, “FUCK MY LIFE!” He tried to cheer me up because he was a good classmate and we said we would look out for each other like that. I didn’t even want him to cheer me up, that’s how pathetic I was being. It was just a really rough weekend with not enough hours to do all the homework and assigned reading and assigned legal writing, work, and prepping for Monday practice exam.

Then I got home and told Drew how rough my day has been, and he tried to cheer me up. Which didn’t work. Then I saw a bunch of Facebook posts from multiple classmates saying they felt like crying but they weren’t even sure what about because there were just too many emotions floating around. And somehow, that made me feel better. Like I’m not alone on my crazy island. Mostly because on crazy island, they serve some stiff drinks because crazy people don’t bother with stupid shit like that ridiculous little shot measuring thingamajig, they just pour and pour. And now I don’t have to drink alone. Then Drew asked if it would be okay if his cousins stayed with us this weekend. And I flipped the fuck out.

This is my entire class. We have all gone bipolar simultaneously. One minute we’re laughing, next minute we’re crying. After some calm discussions about how I don’t have time for house guests on my last week of law school I figured maybe I could manage, but in the future he should just assume it’s NEVER okay to invite people over during the last two weeks of the quarter/semester. He has done this in the past, and I’ve managed, but honestly, I’ve never been this emotionally unstable over school.

Then we went to Nordstrom to pick up my altered clothing for a law event today. And they somehow fucked it all up and said everything got pushed to four days later, didn’t I get that call? I almost lost it and started crying at Nordies. Over fucking clothes. It’s not like I’ll have to show up naked if I don’t get my alterations done. Then the lady made it sound like it was my fault because I had too many pieces to alter and I should have gotten a call. I told her the clothing had been with them for over two weeks and it was promised that day and I spoke to my saleslady the day before about picking it up.

The assistant manager came over and apologized after a lot of waiting to see what we could do, and they said they would alter the one piece I needed for today and they would deliver it in the morning at my condo. This is why managers are there, because they know better than to make a customer feel like shithead for spending too much money buying too many pieces of clothing then paying for their alterations.

I went home feeling defeated, so I told Drew I honestly could not handle the idea of having house guests on the last week of school. I felt really horrible saying it, but I know this next week and a half will be hell, and the idea of having someone crash at my office so I would be forced to change my study habits and space was just too much. Even the mere idea of waking up and feeling like I have to force a smile on my face for my house guests would be too much.

Today is better. Today I’m back to being grateful for being law school, but the feeling of “I don’t have enough time” is causing some bad tension on my back.

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Old People Don’t Need Birthdays07.15.13

I took a few of my classmates to my family’s restaurant for dinner. My buddy, S, drove us because my car was completely out of gas and I was too lazy to go refuel. As I’ve already mentioned, most of my classmates are much much younger. I think the three classmates that came out that night were all between 21-23. The following day was one of our classmate’s 21st birthday, so we spent part of dinner discussing celebration ideas.

The next day, while we were all talking about where to celebrate my classmate’s birthday, it occurred to me, while checking Facebook, it’s actually my buddy’s birthday too, and being a bad friend that was all wrapped up in law schooliness, I completely forgot.

I told my classmate (who is 23) about how I completely forgot it was my buddy’s birthday even though we were out with him the night before. Her response, “Oh don’t worry, he’s an older guy, I’m sure it’s no big deal to him.”

It never really occurred to me how big of an age gap there is between most of my classmates and myself. They see themselves in another age category. In a nerdy D&D world, we are rolling different dices.

I try to think back some 14 years ago, and try to think if back then, I thought “older” people like those over-the-hill-thirty-somethings stop celebrating their birthday because c’mon they’re almost dead, what’s there left to celebrate. It’s so hard to put myself in my twenty something shoes. Although I have hazy memories of the group pointing to that “old guy” (who I’m sure is maybe 38) at the club, and how creepy it is of him to be that old and still be there preying on our young nubile selves. Don’t they know? Clubs and birthdays are for those in the twenties?

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Scuba Diving in Great Barrier Reef: CHECK05.10.13

Australia took me by surprise in how multi-ethnic it felt and how insanely expensive everything was. I was pretty sure even if I didn’t speak a lick of English, I could probably get by on Chinese alone. We only had two weeks to split between Australia and Fiji, so we stuck to the big “Must See” cities. As I mentioned in my law school bucket list from two years ago, I wanted to climb Rainier (check) and go scuba diving in Great Barrier Reef. The reef part of my bucket list was the driving factor behind this trip, so Cairns had to be on the list. We decided Melbourne and Sydney would be the other two places to go.

Drew had been a dear and done all the planning for us because I was neck deep in school work for a class that will not matter for anything but I refused to do poorly on any class after screwing up so badly in undergrad. I took my final exam the morning of my flight date, that’s how close things were. I didn’t get to savor any of the planning of the trip, but by the time I got on the plane, I had zero deadline looming, and it felt so so good.

We started out in Melbourne. I was told I would love Melbourne because the people are so nice and laid back there, and it’s true. Maybe it’s because of their crazy good weather, but in all three locations we visited in Australia, the people were so relaxed and always lounging outside. My friend also warned us that it’s incredibly expensive to drink in Australia. She was not kidding. I asked for their cheapest local beer to go with my burger (A$20 for their cheapest burger), their cheapest beer was A$8 a pint. We went to the convenience store to pick up a soda, just regular 12oz size drink was A$3.50. Food was consistently more pricey. We went to a popular breakfast place, the average breakfast plate was A$20, the two of us spent nearly $60 on breakfast. Drew and I had been saving for this trip for a long time and we were prepared to spend a pretty penny on the trip, but we didn’t quite expect food and drinks to cost nearly double of what we would pay for in the States. We got used to spending around $50-60 for breakfast and $100-150 for dinner. For the glory of the last big hurrah!

My favorite thing we did while we were in Melbourne was join a Penguin Parade tour. There was a tour bus that went around picking people up in Melbourne and drove us 2 hours or so out to Phillip Islands where we saw penguins return from hunting in the ocean at night to march back to their dens. When we first got on the bus there were two Asian girls. Then the next stop was Chinese family, who needed Chinese translator. Andrew and I looked at each other and wondered if this was a tour that only Asians join. The stop after that were another two Chinese ladies. Andrew said, “Oh my god, have we become Asian clichés? Wasn’t this trip recommended by our Asian friend too?” The rest of the stops were French/UK tourists so we felt a little less Asian touristy. Phillip Island was beautiful, their cows look happier than most cows curled up like kittens on the lawn, lazily munching on the lush green grass.

Koala

We went to a koala conservatory, where we watched a koala lick a eucalyptus tree for 5 minutes straight because it was raining and that was probably his water supply for the month. This was the only time I’ve seen koalas where I didn’t feel a bit bad about it, like maybe I’m contributing to his woe by visiting. Don’t get me wrong, I love going to the zoo, Drew is a huge zoo lover, we go whenever we can, but sometimes, I do feel bad when I think the conditions look less than ideal and maybe if not for zoo goers, these animals might be out in the wild. Like we saw the most unhappy looking brown bear in Melbourne Zoo, and we talked about how far from home he is. Koalas at the conservatory look pretty happy despite being all sopping wet from the rain.

Penguins

Before the penguin parade we went to The Nobbies where we saw a few penguins that were molting and weren’t water ready hanging around. They are so cute. There were also a good number of wallabies jumping around. At night, we went to see the penguin parade.  There were no musical fanfare nor big floats, but we saw big black patches on the ocean as they swarm toward the shore. We “ooooh’d” and “ahhhh’d” over the large black patches coming to shore, and suddenly there were penguins waddling through. Hundreds of them slowly waddling through, stopping for some rest a few feet away from us to rest, before marching back to their dens. Some of them would fight loudly by their dens because “Who the hell are you? And what are you doing in my den!?” It happens a lot apparently. Penguins are loud. Apparently one of the wallaby got sick of the noise, we saw him bounce along the edge of the parade path, and choose a spot where it was dense with penguins to jump right into. It gave them quite a shock and one little penguin got pushed into the brush a few feet from the main path, and he looked confused for half an hour.

Sydney 164

Sydney was mostly a food tour for us. It’s a big city. We saw the Opera House and walked around their botanical garden. We walked and walked. We went to the Sydney Aquarium because as I told Drew, “Good thing we are paying to see their caged fish because we are only diving in Cairns and Fiji where there might not be any fishes to see.” He called me a smart ass and directed me to the dugongs, which are these big happy manatee like creatures. I took photos of sharks’ teeth to give myself a view of what I might be seeing last. It’s not morbid unless you think I plan on losing to the shark.

Most of the popular places to dine at Sydney were Asian cuisine, so had Thai, Chinese, Taiwanese and some other Asian fusion food. The best thing about Sydney was Oxford Social. The food was sooo good, I would definitely eat there more often if it wasn’t halfway around the world. One thing I’ve found to be priced reasonably were the steaks. Another thing is, their wine by the bottle was reasonable too, but I’ve found even their most full bodied wine to be too watery for my taste. Still, I was ready to do less “city” vacation after walking around two different cities.

GiantClam

Cairns. My sister and our friend, D joined us for this part. When I decided I was going to learn how to swim and take scuba lessons a couple year ago, I was so vocal and excited about it, I got some 6 people all riled up and ready to join me in swimming/scuba lessons. In the end, four of us made it to certification. When Drew and I planned our trip, we asked our certified group to join in. I don’t know why, but I was expecting Cairns to be all beachy and resorty, when really, it was Australia outback. Mud and sticks and rain foresty. It’s a little bit like our Oregon Ocean Shores, with murky cold water. The beach life guard, next to the little resort we stayed out, set out a net for those that want to swim in the muddy water, but didn’t want to get stung to death by jelly fish. That’s about how attractive the water was. We joined a day tour to head out to Great Barrier Reef. The reef was a good 45 minutes choppy water ride from the shore. I have to say, the reef was a bit disappointing. I had built my in my head that the reef would be crystal clear water, teaming with more life than I could possibly hope to see, instead the water was very murky. We had to stay near our dive buddies or risk getting lost. I know the reef is huge and there are probably areas that are crystal clear, but it would probably take more choppy boat ride to get out there and it’s probably much further out than most dive tours will go. There were some really cool things, we got to touch this giant clam that was surprising quick in snapping shut despite it’s ginormous size. We dove around some reef chasms. This was our first use of our dive knowledge outside of school, so it was neat to dive for fun and not have to do lesson tests.

We visited the rain forest by Cairns and saw a spider that was bigger than a smart phone. It was definitely not a spider that you want to kill with your own shoes.

Someone once told me, scuba diving is the closest we can come to flying, and it really is. We did three dives at the reef and as we got more comfortable in the water, it felt more and more like flying.

Fiji dive was much much better. To be continued on next post…

 

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Not Shark Food05.07.13

What kind of person tells people that she is off to swim with sharks and maybe will get eaten by one and then disappear for weeks without saying anything? This kind. Sorry, but internet has been iffy throughout Australia and Fiji, and I was both too cheap and too not wanting to tether myself to the World Wide Web pay for internet access anywhere.

I didn’t end up being shark food. The bull sharks were so well fed they hardly looked at us with any interest. They were swimming so close we could touch their fins, which was a bit scary and awe inspiring. I’m happy to say I will be reporting for law school come June. I do want to talk about my trip, but here’s a video from my shark dive in the mean time. Pardon the quality, I’m too lazy to use any of my programmy knowledge to figure out how to get a better quality video for now.

Here it is:

SharkFeeding

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SU Open House04.14.13

Seattle University School of Law Admitted Student Open House was a few days ago on April 11th. After registering for the open house, I got another email for Spring Visit for all new students on May 20th. This left me wondering why do we have so many visit days, and I wished I knew about all of them and which ones I should definitely attend and which one is for informational purpose only. The Spring Visit is an action packed day starting at 10am going until 5:30pm and beyond, so I figured that’s something I should definitely be at.

If I didn’t already register for the open house, I would have probably have skipped that and gone to Spring Visit only. As I had griped about in the previous post, I was already feeling the time crunch between needing to wrap up a correspondence course, work, pay respect to my grandmother’s grave in LA and pack for my trip next week, AND there was homework for the open house lunch with a due date.

For the event, I sat between two lovely ladies. The first gal I talked to said she wished she had know about all the different visit days too because she’s from Virginia and could only make it to one event, and the Spring Visit seemed more interesting to her. However, after talking to her a bit more, I found out she hadn’t committed to a school yet and was visiting to see the different schools. Reservation deposit isn’t due until next week, so now it makes sense why they have this open house. It’s wonderful for students who are still on the fence. And acts as a final sale pitch for the school, although, seeing as to how many more people get rejected from law schools every year, is there a shortage of people clamoring to throw money at the schools?

In the end, I’m really glad I went to the open house. The event started with a Q&A with current students, and people asked questions that I didn’t even realize I wanted answers on until I heard it. One thing I’ve been thinking about with going to law school, “God, just let it go quickly so I can make myself a more useful member of society already.” The current students said you will make use of your education long before you graduate. There are volunteer opportunities, internships, externships, and clerkships. In fact, by the end of the event, it’s obviously mandatory that you make use of your education before you graduate, otherwise the job market could be dryer than it already is.

Someone asked the student panel what their favorite thing about SU is and what their least favorite thing is. The consensus between four students is that they love the “hugs”, people are very supportive of each other, and everyone seem to genuinely care about each other. It has crossed my mind a few times that law school could change me for the worse. I was worried about how competitive law school would be and how people might be at each other’s throat because of it. I’m happy to know I’m going to a school that fosters good feelings toward each other. None of them has anything negative to report, although who knows, maybe there are guns pointed at them, even though I couldn’t spot any. The assistant dean was standing next to them, but at no point did I see her draw a finger across her neck slowly while looking at them.

The second part of the event was mock class, that was what the homework was for, so that we got to experience what an actual class could be like. I’m reminded of what it’s like to first go to a good undergrad college, that is I’m not nearly as smart as I think I am. I don’t know what your average day is like, but I deal a lot with every day people, and your average person isn’t that smart, no insult to you, you’re the smartest person I’m talking to today. Of course. The one thing I know I struggle with is how to analyze something critically without being biased. I’ve seen it done well over and over and it makes me bow down to it every time, but I’m still so bad with it. It puts me in awe at the people that could get into those angles that I never even thought about. That’s what I noticed in this class, a lot of my potential future classmates are damned good.

Last part of the event is a panel with financial office member, externship office members, and a couple of recent grads. This is where we were drilled on the necessity of networking. If you walked in during this part, you might think you’ve walked in on a MBA program’s open house. I kind of knew this was important, it’s part of why I wanted to stay in this area so badly because ultimately, this is where I want to work, but I didn’t think about how much it really does count. Time for me to dust off my copy of “Never Eat Alone”. One of the recent grad talked about how much she hated her first year, you could almost see her shudder when thinking about it.

So I know: I will probably shudder whenever I think about 1L, need to to stop eating alone, and will be receiving/giving buckets of hugs in the near future.

And in the more immediate future, I have worry about packing the right gear and clothes to go swim with the sharks, and by sharks I mean actual aquatic creature sharks and not fancy term for lawyers — sharks.

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So Little Time Already04.10.13

My Australia trip is next week. I have a correspondence course that I’m trying to wrap up before I leave, so I’ve been hiding. It’s for Philosophy 101, and every assignment hurts my head in a new way, like the P90X workout, with just as much crying and whimpering at the end of every session. I love it, but it leaves me little time.

I sent in my $250 deposit for my law school seat. And returned the form for how much loan I plan on taking out. That last part was painful to think about, but I keep telling myself it’ll be so worth it in the end.

There is a open house lunch for the newly admitted student tomorrow. The suggested attire is business casual. I can’t tell you if I feel like I’ve failed or won in not really owning a lot of clothing that meets this criteria. Business casual for a game programmer could be jeans with a t-shirt that was swag from a gaming conference. I will be shopping for some wardrobe upgrade later. *geek alert* Wardrobe level up!

I was looking forward to the lunch, until I got an email that assigned us homework. It includes writing a short article, answering some questions and briefing a case. There will be a “realish” class based on the homework tomorrow. School hasn’t started yet, and I’m already feeling like I’m behind on my law school homework. Go me.

I need to pencil in some time to feel excited about my upcoming trip. I don’t want to feel the excitement only when I’m being chased by sharks. Did I mention we might be swimming with sharks in Fiji? With no cages because I don’t believe in cage diving? So maybe there will be an open seat for another student in another couple weeks. I would say wish me good luck with the sharks, but maybe wish me good luck on the luncheon tomorrow first.

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Dreaming New Dreams03.05.13

For over the last two years, it has been my dream to get into a law school. A very specific law school that is two blocks from a condo I bought partly due to proximity to said law school. I started telling people back in January 2011 that I will be attending law school some day so that they could help keep me honest with my goal. A year ago, this law school rejected my application with the recommendation that I take some advance writing composition class and reapply. Even though it broke my ability to think clearly for a moment upon receiving this rejection, I recovered well enough to work my ass off at the local community college, which resulted in my best college academic quarter yet.

I reapplied. Then I worried over how I would take it if I was rejected again. I dreamed a horrible dream that I was rejected again, and the admin told me once again to re-apply. There will be no more re-apply. I started this process when I was 34, I’m about to turn 37 in another month. Still, I walked around with this identity of a law school hopeful, and wore it like a favorite cloak that I refused to take off. This cloak gave me a sense of purpose even though it started wearing on me after a couple years of people constantly asking which law school I was attending when I had not been accepted into any school yet.

About a month after my re-application, I got an email from Seattle U with the subject, “Important Information from…” I nearly had a heart attack, because last time I got an email from them, it was the rejection email. Then I read it, and it said my application was being reviewed for their special program for people with either bad LSAT score or (in my case, REALLY) shitty undergrad grades.

I told my friends of my progress in application and they high-fived me for maybe getting into a special program that will provide additional help. Then we laughed over how when we were younger, being placed in a “special” program would be a personal insult. Somehow, now that we’re older, if someone wants to give us extra help, we’re all over it. In hindsight, if I wasn’t too full of pride to ask for help when I was drowning in undergrad, my grades might not have been as embarrassing.

My partner and I planned our trip to Australia, which is the final bit to my law school bucket list. He wanted to go for a week because of work, and I told him, “This is going to be my last big hurrah before hunkering down for the next three-four years, so if you really don’t think you can go for two weeks, I can do this alone.” We will be gone for two weeks in April, time split between Melbourne, Sydney, Cairns and Fiji. I started scheduling around starting law school this summer. I rejected plans based on, “I can’t do this in July because I will be in law school.” Each time I said that, I felt a sense of dread of what it would be like if I didn’t get in, again.

A few days ago, on my little brother’s 18th birthday, while I was trying to figure out dinner plans with him, I got an email with the subject line, “Congratulations from Seattle University School of Law”. I opened it and read it. Then I handed my phone to my partner and asked him if I was reading it correctly. He replied yes, stood up to give me a hug, and I started jumping up and down in our little home office while cheering. I texted my little brother that I got in first because he’s applying to undergrad, and we’ve both been asking each other if the other has heard anything yet from schools. There were far too many sad no-not-yet’s. Then I texted my friends who promptly replied, “DRINKS! NOW!”

We went out and toasted to Sandy. While I can’t quantify how much difference she made in my application, I can honestly say she made so much difference in my level of calmness during the holiday season while trying to wrap up my personal statement writing. I credit her with keeping me sane during a very stressful time. It’s people like her that reminds me this is why I wanted to get into law, to help people who simply don’t know how to help themselves in certain situation.

I took off my law-school-hopeful cloak that day. It felt odd and still feels odd right now as I type this. It’s like taking off that 50 lbs mountaineering backpack after a long trek. Like I’m suddenly so light I can almost fly, but the warmth on my back and the familiar weight that has been grounding me is gone. There’s not a chance in hell I want to put that giant pack back on, but there’s a sense of uncertainty without it.

So for those who have been rejected from law school and are reading this: Rejection from law school is not the end of the world. Reapplication can work. Sometimes, if you dream it hard enough, and work toward that dream just as hard, it does happen. You no longer only know someone who knows someone that this happened to.

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Just Take the “F” Out of Way01.16.13

Now that there’s nothing to left to do but panic about whether I get accepted or not, I have a lot more time to write. Last year, after I turned in my application, things became dead quiet around here because I was afraid of talking about the application because I might jinx it. Seeing as to how that turned out, I might as carry on my merry ways. Also, last year, I didn’t think I was ready for law school and was quietly praying that no one else noticed. This year is different because in spending most of a year trying to convince a law school I’m a good candidate for their school, I have convinced myself I’m a good candidate for law school.

Previously, I mentioned I took an LSAT Prep course, and I felt like it was money well spent if only for the help that Sandy provided. That feeling was reinforced on my second application. After my wrote my first draft of personal statement, I sent it off to Sandy to ask what she thought of it. I honestly expected her to come back with some polite variation of, “Seriously lady, you paid for our LSAT prep service back in April 1, 2011. It’s now a year and a half later and you still want my help?” This prep service didn’t charge a separate application help fee and it’s not even part of their “sell” feature, I would have gone to them with or without the application help, so this was something they added to be nice. Instead of telling me to move along, Sandy gave me some editing advice and said she’ll be available to read future drafts. She’s very sweet like that. And she held my hands until the end–even during the holidays. I can’t express enough thanks for her.

After sending her my second draft along with a link to my blog, she wrote back that she didn’t like my first essay and, “I tried to dance around it last time but because you sent me to your blog, I have found out you are a really good writer and there is some great stuff in there.”  She concluded this long email full of extremely helpful advice with, “Write like you are writing for your blog.” When I tell my friends what Sandy wrote, they all cringe for me, and I have to reel them back in with, “No, no, she said lots of good things.” I suppose your average person would get upset if someone told them they don’t like certain piece of their writing. However, I think most writers who are semi-prolific writers would have to know they have plenty of writings that are complete duds. It could be because they were experimenting with tones, trying a new point of view, or experiencing hormonal flux. Also, after taking a writing class where we do writing workshops, I’ve learned that I improve the most from people who are critical with specific details. “I loved what you wrote,” while it massages my ego for a moment, doesn’t help me write any better.

I really appreciated Sandy’s honesty throughout the editing process. As I wrote not too long ago, I was helping my seventeen year old brother with his college essay. The first essay he sent me made me wince in pain from trying to follow it. He wrote it like he was trying way to hard to impress some college board. There were so many big words and dramatic flare that I imagined if someone were to read it out loud, they would have to do some artsy Shakespearean bow to show, “I too know how douchey and pretentious I’m about to sound.” I’ve had emails from my brother where I had to double check who sent me the email because it’s incredibly well thought out and articulate, so I know he’s capable of stringing words together beautifully. So I’ve advised him, “Write like you are writing for a very good friend.” In the end, he loosened up his tie but the wool ascot still itched a little.

Of course it’s always easier to give advice than take it. I didn’t write my essay like it was for a friend or my blog. So before a complete rewrite of my essay, I spent a couple days thinking about the difference in how I wrote my first essay and my blog. My first thought was my blog was different because I wrote it for myself. I put a certain word after another for no reason other than: Because it pleases me so. This blog is written with myself as the target audience. Then I thought, is it? I mean if it’s just me, would I spend so much time crafting a sentence that might make me crack a smile from time to time? Extra points if I’m laughing out loud? That’s when it came to me, I write this blog for my ADHD id. I write this for a future self that stopped caring about her past self and will only read this if it has something more to offer than a quick trot down memory lane. I’m Lindy hopping for my id. Also, Sandy is telling me the admission counselors are all really my ADHD id with dressier shoes. Which, I guess if someone has to go through two thousand plus applications, that would not be a poor assumption.

My absolute favorite piece of advice is her recommendation against using mountaineering as a comparison to law school because she has “heard from several law schools that they are tired with the ‘I have climbed a mountain, therefore, I can do law school’ essay.” That is simply brilliant to me. Taking a step away from my mountaineering self, I would say to me, “Give me a fucking break, you put one foot in front of the other for hours, it’s not like you’re a hero saving orphans or anything!”

To get the admission board out of my mind as I’m writing my personal statement, I closed Microsoft Word and opened up the WordPress editor on my blog. I wrote it like another post with all the expletives that I would normally use. In the end, I wrote a post that was so informal and personal, I worried it would get rejected out of inappropriate familiarity. It read too much like a crumpled page of my diary that I didn’t even bother to smooth out before sending it in. However, it did put the “personal” in my personal statement. Then I went back and deleted all the “fuck” and changed “shit” to “poo”, because the only time I’ve read a college entrance essay with “fuck” that worked was a war-hero quoting his drill sergeant.  And we have already established the fact that I’m no hero. Unless you count the time I put a bucket over a giant fucking wolf spider that was beelining for my cousin. And then I did the heebie-jeebies dance for the next half hour. That dance could rival the fiercest war dance in heroism. *insert dramatic Shakespearean bow here*

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Ugh, Not Again01.09.13

Early this morning I was rejected out of the same law school I’ve been vying for, again. No, not really. It turned out to be only a dream. I won’t go into details because no one has ever been able to describe their dream in great details without sounding like a crazy person, and I’d rather you judge me as a crazy person on my own merits. But for those few minutes, it felt real and it was traumatizing. The thing that I remember feeling so vividly was despite saying I have backup plans and all the false bravados, I really didn’t want to go that route. I felt the same dreaded “What now?” feeling I felt after receiving the first rejection letter. Backup plan fail.

I was soooo happy to wake up and realize it was a dream after all, but then the feeling of not having a true backup plan sank in and I felt horrible at the same time. I told my partner that I got rejected from law school again in my dreams and he said, “Oh God, that’s awful, dear. I’m so sorry.” Then he hugged  me and told me he had a dream too. He dreamed that he ad-libbed a song that went viral on YouTube and became a worldwide hit. Because there’s nothing like being cheered by knowing you are in a relationship with someone whose secret unrealized dream is to be a YouTube sensation.

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